My Poly Perspective

So, first things first…

I created this page to help foster an understanding of how I engage in relationships, as well as hopefully providing some basic level of knowledge on Polyamory and Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM.)

I am by no means an “expert” but will share from my own perspective and what this means to me. This is important, because as with all things, everyone does things just a little bit differently.

As I share some terms and definitions, please take those only at face value. As I mentioned before, many of there terms can cover a wide range of meaning, which is usually defined by each individual. To prevent assumptions from creep in, I invite you to take just a few minutes with an open mind to see how I view and practice these things.

Basic Terms and Definitions

• Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM) is the practice of being involved in relationships in a non-monogamous manner, while anyone involved in said relationships is aware of the non-monogamy.
• Polyamory (Poly) is the practice of having more than one personal and intimate relationship at the same time, with the intention of meaningful connection.
• Kitchen Table Poly is a concept in which all involved partners and/or metamours are comfortable hanging out, as though they could all sit around the kitchen table and enjoy a meal together.
• Metamour refers to other partners of an individual. If you are dating someone who is poly, the other person or people they are involved with would be considered a metamour. Your partner’s partners.
• Nesting Partner (NP) is a partner that one lives with. This may or may not include marriage. This may also be described as Core Partner or Anchor Partner, especially for those who engage in hierarchy within their relationships.
• Hierarchy vs Non-Hierarchical refers to whether one places a higher value on partners in relationship to other partners. Those who practice hierarchy typically have a primary partner with others being considered secondary, with the primary having the highest priority over others. Those who practice from a non-hierarchical perspective see each relationship equally in value. That doesn’t mean that they may love or engage with each person exactly equally, but rather that they don’t value one over any other, with each having an equal footing.
• Couples’ Privilege and Veto Power typically refers to a “couple” having a higher priority over someone who may be secondary, usually where a marriage is involved. Veto power refers to a partners ability to “veto” any relationship potential of their partners.
• Solo Poly is the practice of dating polyamorously, but not defining any primary partnership. This is often the case of someone who may be single, but dating polyamorously.
• Relationship Escalator refers to dating with the intention of specific “levels” or goals within a relationship. For example… moving in together, engagement, marriage, children, etc.
• Unicorns and Unicorn Hunters typically refers to the practice of a primary couple engaging with a single person. The single person is the unicorn, while the couple are the hunters. The idea is that all parties date and engage on some determined equal level (ie, must love each other equally, or spend same amount of equal time.) The term unicorn is used here because finding such a situation for any length of time is extremely difficult, and the person who chooses to date the couple is considered quite rare… as a unicorn.

Ok… let’s stop here, because these terms alone are prone to lose a good portion of people who might stumble across this page… These are not your typical (or “normal“) dating lifestyle practices. Engaging in this way requires an open mind and a different way of thinking. Kudos to you for getting this far!

What All of This Means to Me, Personally

If I were to describe myself using these terms, I would say that I am a man who engages in non-hierarchical polyamory, which:

• Includes a nesting partner
• There is no couples’ privilege
• There is no veto power involved
• I am not a unicorn hunter
• I do date solo
• I also enjoy kitchen table polyamory when that is possible.

I am more interested in the depth and quality of my relationships than I am with the number of relationships, meaning that I don’t tend to date many people at one time.

I am married to my nesting partner, which can often scare off most potential people in dating. Some fear that my spouse is unaware and I am cheating – I can assure you that she is quite aware and absolutely eager to meet someone I have a sincere interest in. Some fear that they could somehow “ruin” my relationship – but please know that I believe that no one outside of my relationships has that power. Only myself and the person I am engaged with have the power to make or break the relationship that we have built, period.

Kitchen Table

Kitchen table poly is desired, but not demanded. The only request made in this area is one of mutual respect and kindness when metamours engage. I’d love for metamours to enjoy each other’s presence and company, as that makes for a wonderful experience for all. But that can not be forced, nor will it be.

Finally, polyamory is different that being “open.” In other words, I don’t generally date just to fuck around. I tend to date with the hope of building something of meaning. For me, I seek connection more than just a good time and I desire quality within a relationship more than any quantity.

Non-Hierarchical Approach

While I am married, I do practice more a non-hierarchical approach. My wife has been with me for a while now; yet, I do not rank or compare relationships. When I engage with someone, I see each relationship as its own entity, having its own unique value.

I know this may sound elementary to some, but I love both of my children in this way… unique in each relationship with neither being more important or loved more than the other. Sure, there may be differences, but that speaks to the unique connection we make with each human in our lives instead of one being “more important” than the others.

Check out this related writing for more perspective on Hierarchy

“But I’m Not Poly“

There is a mindset that seems to say that “I’m not poly, so I can’t date you because you are.” The funny thing is that no one is asking anyone else to be poly. I am also a man, a carnivore, a father, a non-religious person, ect… and you do not have to be any of those in order to date someone else who is. If monogamy is how you desire to express yourself in a relationship, then you can absolutely be monogamous.

However, what you do need is to be understanding. This is a different approach than what is typical, and in this approach, there is no “mine.” I will not give you 100% of me… but I will share 100% of me with you. This still allows me to be me without losing who I am as a person, because I am not giving anything away but rather I am sharing who I am, my time and my energy with you.

Ask Questions

There is no way this can be fully comprehensive, as we are complex as human beings. There may be dozens of questions, and I absolutely encourage you to ask anything you want. If we are talking, and you are reading this… well, there’s a reason for that. And there is nothing off limits in terms of what we can or should discuss.