Addressing Two Common Poly Fears – From the AMAs

Entering into a poly scenario can be a scary prospect, especially when you are getting involved with someone who is married. Even if marriage isn’t in play, if there are already established relationships, the same fears can exist.

A recent AMA question asked this:

I started a poly relationship and I’m scared. The person is married, and 2 possibilities scare me. What if their current spouse is more important to them than I am…..What if they fall in love with me and move away from their spouse? I know its all stupid, but its a question.

First, your fears are not stupid. They are indeed valid, and should be carefully considered, talked about and addressed. The first rule of poly (and really any type of relationship) should be open communication… so these need some attention.

I can’t address this specific relationship, but I can share with you how I address these things in my own poly life.

Importance

Yes, a spouse is an important factor. One can be as anti-hierarchy as they want, and yet there is no way around the fact that a married partner will carry some higher weight in the person’s life. They likely live together, share bills, household needs, kids, and other obligations together that you just won’t have with them.

I know for me, that is a reality. But those shared obligations don’t make them more important for me, even if that does require a higher priority at times. Any relationship I engage with comes with it’s own level of importance, and that is based on what is built between me and that person.

Now, the two areas to be on the look out for here are “couple’s privilege” and “veto power.”

Couple’s Privilege

Couple’s privilege is a mindset that the couple always comes before anyone else, and often results in the additional poly relationship taking a back seat far too often. Now, there is no real way around the fact that this actually exists in this situation, and that is a byproduct of the joint obligations they have. But, being aware of this and working to not allow that to get in the way of any other relationships is absolutely critical.

The person who is married and engaging in another relationship has to be able to make the time to build that relationship, and not constantly using the couple as an excuse to just not. Sure, life happens, and shit will get in the way… but if that is the consistent experience, it is something that should be brought up. And it would probably be a good idea to talk about it up front to make sure you are all on the same page.

Veto Power

Veto power relates to the ability of the other partner(s) to veto a new relationship. If the partner of the person you are getting involved has a right to say “nope – not them” – well, that’s veto power. In my mind, that’s not really a poly situation… that feels more like someone who is just looking for a side-piece, or possibly a couple’s relationship that isn’t all that secure. This is something you really do want to know about, and I would suggest asking about this right up front.

In my poly world, no one has veto power… not even my wife. That was set right from the beginning. Now, if my wife comes to me with concerns, of course I am going to hear her out. But she does not have the ability or right to tell me who I can or can not be involved with. No one has that right except for me and the person I am actually engaged with, period.

Breaking Up the Other Relationship

When you said “What if they fall in love with me and move away from their spouse?” – you seem to be asking more… “What if I somehow break up their relationship?”

Again, a valid concern. And its something to be aware of.

Are the other relationship(s) in this person’s life solid? Are they looking for an alternative? Is there some sort of trying something new to “save the relationship?”

You should be asking questions about the health of their relationship. Not only will it help you better understand this possibility, but it can also give you more insight as to what kind of relationship you might be in for.

In my poly world, I will go back to this same concept… No one but me and the person I am involved with has the power to fuck up that relationship.

So, for me… the only two people who can break up me and my wife are… well, me and my wife. It is on us to take care of our relationship, and if we are doing that… no one else can fuck with it. The same with another partner… as long as we are working to build and protect the relationship we have, no one else has the power to break it up! That is.. unless one of the two involved allows someone else that power. For me, I will not allow anyone that type of power!

Communication Matters

You need to be able to talk about these concerns, openly and honestly. If you can do it with all parties present, even better. But you should express those concerns so that you know that everyone is aware and fully engaged – and on the same page.

If that communication is not possible, you’re going to struggle – and you’re going to feel insecure for quite some time in the relationship. So, find out early where you stand, so you can work to build that relationship you want, and not just hope that maybe it will all work out.