We’re Open!

So you’ve decided to open up your relationship, huh? Well before you go running down to the hardware store for that “Open” sign to hang over your relationship door, let’s make sure we have a proper “business” plan in place.

Opening up a relationship can be exciting and at the same time, terrifying. After all, there so many possible experiences to enjoy… and so many pitfalls to tumble down into. If you don’t have the right plan in place, you may very well be opening your relationship up for serious trouble. So, how do you go about creating this plan? I’m glad you asked!

Warning: Unsolicited Advice to Follow…

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TALK – And I mean about everything!

What does “open” actually mean?

From poly to swinging to “hotwifing”, there are so many ways to open a relationship. It could be joint sex with others, individual sex with others, relationships with emotions and sex, emotional relationships only… and any number of different definitions that can be added.

SIDE NOTE: Open, in whatever form you want to call it, is open. It is NOT hidden. All parties are aware. If all parties involved are not aware, that’s called cheating. If that’s where you are, my advice is to talk openly with your partner and get that settled first. No judgments, but don’t call it “open.” Be real and honest, and call it what it is. – Ok, back to our plan…

What areas are actually open?

Let’s say you’ve agreed on only sex with others. But that’s still quite an open playing field…

• Condoms or other preventative measures required, or optional?
• Oral sex is ok, but not penetration? Or is oral sex off the table?
• What about kissing?
• Any “holes” restricted (and yes, that’s for men and women), or no holes barred?
• Is “our” place and/or bed ok, or do we need to go elsewhere?
• Details, or no details? And how much detail does that include?
• … add more here…

What areas are actually closed?

You’d think this is about the same as above, but not quite. For example…

• Are there any sexual acts that are just off limits?
• Is kink ok, or vanilla only?
• Are dynamics allowed?
• Are there any locations that should not be used?
• Are there any specific people that should be avoided?
• Maybe its your lover’s birthday… gifts ok?
• Can I talk about my life at all with my lover?
• … add more here…

These lists can go on and on… but you have to discuss to make sure you are on the same page. If there’s a place that is not comfortable for all parties, it needs to be discussed.

AGREE – And I mean 100%

If there’s something you and your partner do not see eye to eye about, then its best to make it a no-go. Perhaps in time that may change, but if you try to force it now, or try to get away with it later, you will find your relationship already on thin ice. You have to be on the same page here, in lock step agreement.

CLEAR THINGS UP

There’s no room for muddy water. If something seems unclear, then it is… and it needs to be clear. The last thing either of you want is to step into the muddy waters only for the other to lose trust in what they may see as a clear violation.

SLOW DOWN

Ok, so here’s an important step… Take Your Time! Just because you opened the relationship up this morning does not mean you have to be in bed with someone else tonight! Especially if you are not yet 100% ready to venture out. Take your time, go slow and explore at your own pace. Even if your partner takes on a new lover or two sooner than you do, you don’t have to jump in bed just to keep up. Its not a competition.

SIDE NOTE: Hey guys… yeah, you male partners out there… Keep in mind that you are likely going to be far less successful at finding lovers than your female partner will be. For some of you, this will be a deal killer… so think it through.

TALK – Yes, one talk is not enough

Keep talking to each other as you proceed. Share what you are feeling, where your fears or concerns may be, and discuss whatever you need to get off your chest. Reassess your plan, and make sure things are still good. Just because something worked a week, month or year ago does not mean it still can work today. We grow and change as people, so allow your plan to evolve as well.

KNOW WHEN ITS TIME TO SAY NO

Open relationships are not for everyone. If you are not comfortable with doing it, then DON’T. If something changes in the future, be willing and ready to close up shop if needed.

Any relationship requires trust and communication. Opening a relationship up requires even more, and that trust and communication needs to be whole.

And for crying out loud…

Do Not Open A Relationship In Order To Save It!

If your relationship is already struggling, opening it up will only cause its final demise even sooner. Strugling relationships already have enough fear, doubt, worry and stressed emotions… opening it will only make those issues worse.

TRUST YOUR GUT

When in doubt, or when dealing with a battle between head and heart, learn to trust your gut. Whether to be open or not, or what rules to agree to… your gut will always be that check to make sure you are on board. Trust it. Follow it.