How Hierarchy Colors My Poly Life

I’ve never liked the concept of hierarchy within polyamorous relationships. The concept of telling someone that they are “secondary” always felt so very offensive to me. How in the hell do you tell someone they are “second place” in your life? It just feels so wrong. 

Hierarchy as Color

I think of hierarchy more in terms of Color…

I can’t deny there are some levels of hierarchy that actually do impact my poly life. But it’s not in terms of that sort of “ranking” thought process by any means.

Let me see if I can flesh that out just a bit. 

There are millions of colors in this world, all adding to such a rich tapestry of visual pleasure. Yet, there are only 3 primary colors. That doesn’t mean that the three primary colors are the only ones of importance! Pink isn’t a primary color, and yet it is one that many people hold as their favorite and base so much of their world around. 

This same concept falls more in line with my thoughts. 

Primary Colors

I see this more as the primary colors of my life. The basis for my everyday. The foundational palette required for your life to begin to have color and definition. 

The term primary typically conveys some level of higher importance, and anything that’s not considered primary is therefore not as important, right? I don’t really buy into that notion myself.

Laura is a primary color for me. Not because she’s more important than anyone else, but because we have a 10 year history, we are married and live together and much of my daily life is so intertwined with hers. In addition to being her husband and life partner, I am her Dominant, her caretaker, her main transportation, her place of deep vulnerability, and her rock that she stands on. As a result, I bear more actual responsibility with her. 

That depth of connection takes time, vulnerability and working together to create an intimacy that is unique and meaningful. 

But that doesn’t mean that she will be the only primary color in my life. However, for someone else to reach that level, they have to also invest the time, energy, focus and vulnerability with me to achieve that. It is not feasible for anyone new to come into my world and assume (or demand) that they will automatically fall into this place. 

Secondary Colors

While there are 3 primary colors, we often see at least 8 basic colors in any box of crayons. These colors add more texture and more life to that which we create. They are indeed the basis for so much of what we see and feel.

I abhor the term “secondary.” I truly do. I never see someone as second place in my life, period. But the reality is that if we’re being honest about hierarchy within polyamorous relationships, this concept does apply. Not the “second place” mindset… but the concept that someone has not yet reached that level of primary within another’s life. 

Someone here means the world to me. They likely have my heart, and I will strive to work together with them to build the intimacy towards something that becomes primary in color. They hold a very strong place in my world, are of high priority and significant meaning to me. There’s a hope and a sense that with time, energy and focus, they truly become that fixture in my life that would be considered foundational.

Someone here is not merely an option. I loathe that thought process as well. No, they are a huge priority for me, and I will give of myself in every way possible to create the space needed for that relationship to grow deeper. They are the other main colors in my life… without them, my world would become so very basic.

This is a realm where dynamics also play a huge role. The ability to construct our relationship in a way that helps to elevate it to that deeper significance. That’s not to say dynamics are required by any means, but if I enter into a dynamic with someone, this is immediately the place we elevate to.

I have had close friends that reside here, and I strive even in those relationships to be vulnerable and build intimacy. In the past, I’ve experienced friendship that has become primary in color, and the end of those friendships have been devastating. I hope to once again build that sort of connection that can exist in this space and elevate further.

Tertiary Colors and beyond

A box of crayons with a wide collection of colors adds so much depth and richness to whatever you are coloring. They take the basic and expand on it in ways that help the image to fully come to life!

Friends, new potential, others I care about… they all fall to these “extended” colors. Again, not so much in terms of meaning, but often in terms of priority. They color my world with so many wonderful shades!

Time is a limited resource, as we all know. And friends, loved ones and new potential are all important to me. I will make time for them to develop those relationships into deeper and more meaningful relationships. But this is where the priority starts to truly play in.

Are they making time for me as well? Are they investing in the relationship too? Are they willing and able to work together to build something that adds priority and purpose, which will elevate the relationship to at least a secondary color in my life?

It’s about becoming part of that inner circle in so many ways. Shared experiences, shared values, shared time… adding vulnerability… this is the proving ground. This is where we begin to see just what value we can indeed offer each other within our lives.

Most people will reside here, with some coming and going. Some will elevate to something deeper, more meaningful… but that’s because they want to. It doesn’t mean that they don’t matter. If you’re in my life, it’s because I feel you matter. It’s as much a privilege to be in my life as it is to be in yours. So yes, even here, they matter.

It’s more about what we’re actively building together, be it friends, play partners or something with romantic ties. We’re in the building stages together, so what will we do with that?

Communication of intent and desire becomes important here, because if someone wants a higher place in my life, then it needs to be known. Show me that you want something deeper and I will match you… I deeply desire it.

Until that happens and we can build something meaningful together, the priority is still going to be lower than what is needed and required for those primary and secondary relationships and responsibilities. That sucks, true. But it is an unfortunate reality.

Shades of Grey – Everyone Else

These are all the people that add shading to my life. They help to create more of the depth, dimension and subtle details to my every day.

Casual acquaintances, those who will only engage at events and socials, and those who will only engage online… great people who I enjoy being around, but we’ve not yet really connected. If we want to find something deeper, there’s that opportunity to bring in more color. But until that begins, they will remain at “arms length” in so many ways.

Strangers, well… are strangers. The very subtle shadows of grey…
There’s relatively no place within the hierarchy for them as there’s no reason to expend the emotional energy with them. Sure, I’ll be kind and open- who knows, a stranger can become a friend or potential interest pretty quickly. But until that happens, engagement and priority there remains very low.

My Life is Colorful

You can absolutely apply this idea and mindset beyond polyamorous relationships, and if you are monogamous… I would encourage that as well.

Regardless of relationship styles, the people around you will color your world. Whether they are foundational colors, the expanded basis of color or the more eclectic collection of various shades… They still matter.

I know this is a longer post, but I needed to try and fully express this thought. While I hate the concept of hierarchy in so many ways, I want the people in my life to truly understand the color they add at so many different levels – and how much I truly appreciate that!

I hope this helps to better understand how I see this, and maybe it can have some impact on your own thought process. But know that my perspective is not the only one, nor is it more important than any one else’s. It is simply mine, and how I see this world of color with the people around me.