Dating, with purpose?

For the longest time, I dated with purpose. Growing up, it was the expectation of dating… to find a partner, aiming towards marriage. White picket fence, 2.5 kids, the whole thing.

When I started this journey, the habits continued. Dating with purpose… seeking to create a dynamic (especially since dynamics are what really drew me to this world to start with.)

The challenges this created were more than I ever realized though. While my intentions were pure in nature, the expectations and pressures that were placed on the dating process led to some really bad outcomes.

Two failed marriages, both born out of a fear that I’d never do any better. Two wonderful dynamics early on in this journey, followed by a lot of crash and burn. (Truthfully, while those first two dynamics were amazing, they actually reinforced the expectations that maybe it was somehow easier with dynamics in place… which only made the impending crash and burns that much harder.)

After quite some time, and a lot of introspection, I’ve come to realize the pressure that was being placed on dating. I have come to understand that dating with purpose, while sounding like a higher standard, was actually causing a lot of the issues at play. So, I forced myself to step back and reassess.

But old habits die hard, and still found myself adding pressure for “something” when I didn’t intend to. And again, failures came in spades.

Today, I still date. My purpose has changed dramatically though. The purpose for dating is no longer to find “that person” – instead, the purpose for dating today is to simply get to know. To enjoy the shared energy and to learn. Perhaps something comes of it. Perhaps there’s a long term relationship or dynamic that evolves, or perhaps it’s a hot but short lived connection. Or, and ultimately more my hope, no matter what may happen between us… a good friendship is discovered.

A friend of mine once described how she viewed poly… having close, intimate friendships where you could even enjoy physical intimacy when it felt right. That stuck with me, and I think that is such a beautiful expression.

Could something more come of such connections? Of course. But even if all that offers is the chance to have another really great connection of friends… damn, that’s a fucking win all day long!

So now, I date… with purpose. But that purpose is simply to get to know to whatever level feels right. No further expectations, no further intent. Without all the pressures. And if a friendship or more comes from it… that’s great. But if it simply allows me to connect with another human on a real human level… that’s pretty damn great too!