Polyamorous in the Red Life

I AM POLY

This almost sounds funny to say, but it is in fact how I see myself. I have been asked on more than one occasion to explain what this means, so I wanted to take a moment to try and explain it in a writing.

Wikipedia defines Polyamorous as follows:

Polyamory (from Greek πολύ [poly], meaning “many” or “several”, and Latin amor, “love”) is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

Poly seen as Selfishness?

In my desires for a poly dynamic and lifesyle, I have been called “selfish.” What I find amusing is that the word “selfish” is a direct opposite of being poly.

You see, in a vanilla setting, intimate relationships ( by that, I mean traditional sexual M/F relationships ) are by their very nature selfish. You meet someone, you fall in love and then somehow you expected to be in a relationship with just one person, never caring the same for any other person on the face of the earth. You are not supposed to have any desires for anyone else, not want to develop a connection with anyone else… nothing. Isn’t that the definition of selfish?

This type of “selfishness” is what is considered “normal” and expected. However, with half or more of vanilla relationships dealing with some sort of “indiscretion” how is it that we still think this is normal?

You too are poly, if you really think about it!

I have stepped outside of my vanilla life and have really come into myself in this strange world. Yet, even in this world, there are those that see this as selfish.

But if you think to yourself “I am not poly… I could never be a part of a poly situation”… I want you to think about this, and be real honest:

If you have children, are you selfish for having more than one? If you have dear friends, are you selfish for having more than one dear friend? How in the world can you share the same love for multiple kids or friends? How in the world can you love them all so dearly at the same time?

You see, whether friends or children, or any other type of intimate relationship in life, you can indeed care for, love, desire to spend time with and cultivate relationships with more than one person at a time. That my friend, is a poly relationship!

The relationship you have with one child or friend is independent of the others. Your love and care for that one is unique to the relationship you have with that one. Sure, you may love them all collectively. But you also love each one individually, with not one of them causing you to love any other less.

I would content that because you love different ones for different reasons, you are indeed enriched as a person. The experiences you have with one can help enhance the experiences you have with another.

I am a father of more than one child. I could not choose one child over the other as I love them very dearly as individuals. I have a unique relationship with each one based on age, interests, experiences and personalities. And I love them with all I have. Having more than one does not split my love up!

How much is enough?

This is another question I have been asked. “How many connection do you want?” Well, there is no number. I don’t have a goal of X number of connections. Honestly, if all I ever had was just what I have now, I am perfectly happy with that! Its not about a number, or any type of quantity.

If I find a real connection with someone, and there is a good fit for a relationship between us, then I am open to exploring that connection and possibly entering into a relationship with them. But that is based on the connection I have with them, and not how many I may or may not have. I live for the connection with others, and I have to say, beyond my children, I have not experienced a more deeply intense connection with another person as I have in the dynamic.

Poly in the Red Life

When I take on a relationship, I give of myself freely to that connection. I strive to help make them all they want to be, and pour myself into them to help them achieve their goals and dreams. And as I explore with one, I may find answers that would enrich another along the way. And together, we can all grow to be better people, all achieving the goals and dreams we have, individually and collectively.